When I let you go tomorrow, it is knowing they may never bring you back. I keep trying to remind myself that I represent “the system” and they are your home. I keep reminding my preschooler that this is best for you, hoping my own emotions will catch up. I keep trying to forget that I won’t be able come to you if you cry for me, and I keep asking God to insulate your heart from a rejection you’re too little to understand.
When I let you go tomorrow, it is knowing that a year from now you won’t remember me. If we pass on the street you’ll only see yet another white woman. You won’t remember the nights I stumbled from my bed at your little whimpers to change, feed, and cuddle you close. You won’t remember wrapping your fist in my hair or nuzzling into my neck. You won’t remember giving me your first smile, you whose tiny eyebrows wrinkled in permanent furrows those first few days you were in my arms.
You won’t remember the toddler who is going to search the house for you asking, “Baby??” in the coming weeks. You won’t remember the preschooler who asked daily to hold you, took great pride in holding your bottle, and will ask through broken-hearted tears why had you to leave us. You won’t remember peaking—bright-eyed—over the strong shoulders of a gentle father who held you against his warmth when the tummy aches hit. You won’t remember the furry, four-pawed pony-dog who guarded you in silent watchfulness while you slept.
When I let you go tomorrow, it is knowing I wouldn’t hesitate to do it all again. You won’t remember—but I will. You will rest in my heart and live in my prayers.
I love you,
We are entering the last few weeks of our homestudy process. It has been over one year since we first saw the biographies of the two boys who captured our hearts, and almost a full year since the day we submitted our first bit of paperwork and started our foster/adoption training through DHS. We are also two days away from the due date for baby we lost 2013. While Kyla was not the reason we started the adoption process, we cannot deny that her life played a role in prodding us forward. This was always something we felt we were called to do, but it took miscarriage to open our hearts to pursue it now.
I think the momentum of time passing on our road to “Gotcha Day” is making me a little more introspective lately. I can admit that a small part of me at times has wished we would not pass our homestudy. I have never been one to embrace change eagerly; and it would most certainly be easier if we could just shrug our shoulders and say, “well, we tried.” Fortunately, most of me is yearning for the two little boys who are waiting (we hope) at the end of this — little boys who need the love and the nurturing that we can give; and when I think of how bad things are becoming in our nation economically, morally, racially, and spiritually, the only thing I want to do is whisk “our boys” (as we have come to think of them) under our roof where we can offer a modicum of safety.
I want you to hear me with an open heart, to listen without defensive walls. Part of what makes me the most nervous about this process is you. Well, maybe not even you, but it is surely someone you know. It is the person who raises an eyebrow at a third pregnancy, and outright sneers at a fourth or fifth; the person who thinks it is perfectly acceptable to expect parents to find a babysitter instead creating child-friendly events. It is the person who sweetly insinuates that if parents cannot afford to give their children a specific standard of living (which almost always coincides with that individual’s particular life circumstances, incidentally) they really have no business welcoming more. Unfortunately, social media has given even greater rise to parent shaming. Hurtful remarks once spoken privately are now slung at random behind internet anonymity. Although I don’t yet have a large family, I know that opening our home to more children also opens our lives to more judgment.
Perhaps what gives me greatest trepidation about adopting is the feeling that I won’t be able to ask for help. Somewhere in our society’s journey away from God’s perspective about children, we’ve embraced the concept that a woman with one or two children deserves support but a woman with four or five doesn’t have the right to be tired because she knew what she was getting into. In fact, if we were honest we would admit to feeling that she should be punished with incessant exhaustion to teach her to stop having/adopting kids when she struggles to handle the ones she already has.
I like to think I am a pretty good mom, but there are days (weeks, even) when I feel like if I hear another hyper “Mommy, I” or “Mommy, why,” I will mail myself to Alaska; days when I wish I could have the luxury of using the bathroom without an audience knocking on the door. There are days when I do not want to kiss another pretend boo-boo or run to the rescue of a screaming child whose brother took away the car she had. There are days when the hours drag by and I stare at the clock willing the minutes away until my husband comes home to take over. There are days when I am sick of being climbed on, and I have to grit my teeth and smile through the fifth sticky kiss in as many minutes (only given, I know, for the excuse of clambering on me and not doing what I instructed them to do). There are days when I am weary of being followed from one room to the next, and if I have to pick up that same book or fold up that same blanket one more time so help me….
And I feel like right now it is okay to feel this way, even to express this feeling, because I have two kids and that is a socially acceptable number of children to have. But what happens when two becomes four? Or even more? What happens on the days when I am “touched out and talked out” and still have four hours on the clock before my husband comes home for dinner? Can you still pray for a mom of four? Can you still tell her it gets better? Can you remind her that her children are a mission field and that she is raising disciples? Can you assume that there are probably times where there is still a lot of month left at the end of her money and remind her that Jehovah Jireh is her hiding place? Can you listen to her frustration on the days she wakes up early for some quiet time only to have a child decide to wake up early too? Can you support that God may have led her on a journey He didn’t give you the grace to take, and bless her? Can you see past the fact that she “did this to herself” and embrace the masterpieces God has trusted her to shape, even on the days she does not feel she can herself? Can you see children the way Jesus did and feel compassion?
Because I can guarantee you that the Jesus who spoke through James and told us to profess our spirituality by tending to the orphan has a different opinion about children than most of us (myself included). And I can say with reasonable certainty that the mom of many is not looking to you to fix things for her, but to tell her things will be okay.
“The greatest gift is a portion of thyself.”
I’ve wrapped Emerson’s words around my heart multiple times since I first heard them in high school, repeating them while I searched for authenticity and wondered why I seemed always to push others away. I used to blame the shortness of my friendships on how frequently we moved. It wasn’t until a few years ago when a trusted mentor began to address perfectionism in my life that I realized that I was culpable of friendship sabatoge.
We live in a time of super-Christians, a product of the social media and technology boom. We create our image out of words and carefully edited photographs–soundbites of a utopian (or even distopian) reality where image reigns supreme emporer. This is especially true of those of us involved in ministry. We have to be so careful not to “lose our witness” around those who we deem “less Christian” than we are, and so careful not to appear inferior to those we deem “more Christlike” than we are.
And I get it. We have expectations of our leaders. Pastors and their families are presumed to have the answers, especially during crisis moments, and we’re uncomfortable when we have to realize our leaders are fragile people–even moreso when we have to realize our leaders also battle with sin.
What I continue to have to face in my own life is that my posturing has less to do with protecting His image and more to do with protecting mine. Let’s be real—the Lord of eternity doesn’t need my help staying on His throne. The “less Christian” versus “more Christlike” debate is simply pride, fear of man, and jockying for position, all of which the Lord detests. In a way, it’s easier to slap on a smile and say “whatever God wills” than to admit the battle in our hearts, especially when a blinking cursor allows us free reign to invent ourselves; but that’s teflon-Christianity where nothing sticks, not even the oil of the Spirit that would bring healing. It takes great courage to allow someone else to speak into our lives, to risk appearing less than perfect, to admit someone else may be further in their spiritual journey in an area where we keep failing. It takes strength to receive the affections of God when our weakness is on display. It takes divine revelation to cease striving to bring fruit from our own efforts and allow the Lord to prune, to set free, and to bring a harvest in His time.
We’ve cheated ourselves, we super-Christians with our social media world, because you cannot gain image without trading something for it; and in our case, most of us have traded real, raw, deep, heart-level relationship. Perfectionism is a lonely bubble, and one that keeps us from real relationship. Have you ever considered that not only did Jesus agonize over the cross until His sweat became drops of blood, but that He did not hide His struggle from the pages of the Scriptures? His “thy will be done” came at a supreme cost. The Author Himself allows us into the moment of His greatest conflict, laying bare the tempesting emotions within His heart for generations to see; and millions have found peace in identifying with His pain.
I’m learning that I don’t always have to have the answers. The greatest gift that Chrystal can give is to be vulnerable, to admit sin and ask forgiveness, to lavishly praise the strengths of others without feeling the secret sting of competition, to be the advocate and encourager rather than the problem-solver, to listen without condescension, to minister from a place of transparency, and to know that the successes of one are the successes of all. A giant in the faith is not self-named; rather, he or she earns spiritual authority by the blood of the Lamb and a testimony–a story of God’s great strength made perfect a broken life; and that story is better when displayed, not simply told.
You still love me.
When I snap at my kids, burn dinner, gripe at my husband, and forget to fill the dog’s water bowl, You still love me.
When I run into door frames in my fatigue, haven’t brushed my hair in days, and drop the same piece of mail four times in a row, You still love me.
When I get so angry at my lack of control in life that I hurl the empty juice bottle at the trash so hard it ricochets across the room, You still love me.
When I haven’t cleaned the bathrooms and the baby sucks on fists of dog hair from the rugs I haven’t vacuumed, You still love me.
When my husband runs out of clean t-shirts because I haven’t finished the laundry, when I spend too much money buying groceries, when the car is overdue for an oil change by 1,000 miles, You still love me.
When the toddler argues over whether he has to eat his breakfast, poops in his underwear, floods the bathroom from playing in the sink, and unravels an entire roll of toilet paper, You still love me.
When I let the kids watch too much television because I’m desperate for a quiet moment, You still love me.
When I greet my husband after work with a hot dinner on the table one night and shove cold leftovers and a screaming baby into his arms the next, You still love me.
When I look in the mirror and see lines forming, haven’t had a haircut in almost a year, and sabotage my diet by stress binging on chocolate chip cookies, You still love me.
When I grasp at movies or books to distract myself from life instead of finding rest in You, You still love me.
When I resent my relationships because I can’t control the behavior of other people, You still love me.
When my shifting moods make me seem bipolar, unlovable, and unstable, You still love me.
When I feel sorry for myself instead of being grateful for the myriad of blessings You’ve poured into my lap, still Your steadfast love never ceases, Your mercies never come to an end, and Your faithfulness is great.
You love because You love, You are love, You love to love. You love because You created me for love. You enjoy the journey. You know my perfectionism is a weakness in which You gain glory. You know every gift I have belongs to You, and You love the flawed, broken, utterly human person You created underneath it all. No striving. No pretense. Confession of what You already know. Acceptance of what I don’t deserve. No looking to tomorrow to start over. Every minute is a new beginning.
I am not the sum of my failures. My circumstances do not portray Your feelings toward me. Mistakes do not label who I am. I choose again to embrace the truth that You love imperfect people who keep trying to look like You. I am loved, and I am Yours.